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3. If I Were President of the Republic!

Alright, let’s face it: what you’re about to read might feel like déjà vu, but let’s give it a shot.

If I were president, I would make it clear to Hezbollah that it has lost the war and that its political survival hinges on surrendering its weapons. Failing that, the weapons will be taken by force, and not a single cent will go toward reconstruction.

If I were president, after disarming Hezbollah, I would visit world capitals to rally support for strengthening the Lebanese Army — the sole guarantor of lasting peace and an end to the cycle of war every 15 years.

If I were president, I would present Lebanon as an open, peaceful and friendly nation to potential donor countries, seeking their help in erasing the scars of senseless wars while guaranteeing that funds won’t line the pockets of politicians.

If I were president, I would uphold the 1949 armistice agreement with Israel to ensure that Lebanon never again becomes a battleground for the ambitions of hegemonic powers like Iran.

If I were president, I would purge the administration and public services of all corrupt elements hindering their operations and depriving citizens of access to essential services.

If I were president, I would lock up those responsible for decades of environmental damage to one of the world’s most beautiful countries.

If I were president, I would foster relations based on mutual respect with a new Syria, while closely monitoring the increasingly unjustified presence of over two million "refugees" in Lebanon. The first priority would be addressing the issue of Lebanese prisoners who disappeared in the horror of Assad's regime. The second priority would be the planned return of Syrians to their homeland — much to the dismay of certain NGOs, backed by European countries, that, under the guise of humanitarian aid, willingly funnel hundreds of millions of dollars into "settling" them in Lebanon, fearing an influx into Europe.

If I were president, I would put an end to all malicious and opaque efforts to strip Lebanese citizens of their deposits and dismantle existing banks in favor of creating new ones to be divided among "friends."

If I were president, I would amend the ridiculous law that prevents Lebanese women married to foreigners from passing on their nationality to their children.

If I were president, I would do everything in my power to call for new legislative elections, ensuring a parliament that reflects the new global political landscape and represents a people who have suffered enough.

If I were president, I would urge the children of the diaspora, who rightly feel abandoned by Lebanon, to give this country another chance and dedicate their immense talents to its future.

If I were president, I’d soon grasp the sheer magnitude of the task and start begging the heavens for assistance.

Thank God I won’t be president — I’m not even Maronite!!!